Death by Donuts

Send a box to someone today!!

episode transcript


you know i have a way to get rid of politicians very slowly that uh that'll help the government become more efficient so that way uh old pieces of [ __ ] uh in the government they uh they uh you know they they stop uh stop living until they're like 80. i call it murder by donuts and here's what you do is you get some rich guy to send government officials donuts every day like just send them a a box of donuts every day and the reason why this would work is because government officials are used to getting [ __ ] for free so they're not really going to question it but the thing is you have to keep this a secret because if word gets out that government officials are getting donuts to shorten their lives then they'll stop eating the donuts that they get and the good thing about this is that you'll be stimulating the local economy of wherever your most hated government official lives because you're gonna have a standing order of 12 donuts every day so that means the economy is getting more money right and it might start to have a more positive impact sooner so let's say the guy you're sending the donuts to is like 50 years old he's already starting to uh have health problems so he uh as soon as he starts eating a donut every day that's gonna add on to it so he might start going to the doctor more have more health issues have to miss work and so that might end up forcing him to retire a little bit more sooner right and you can switch it up um every once in a while instead of just sending him donuts every day send him chocolate send him ice cream send him a cake on his birthday and that way he doesn't get bored of his uh the donuts that are being sent him every day and the reason why i keep saying he is because men don't have a lot of self-control and men white men run the world right and a woman a woman won't be eating donuts every day you know so it'll more it's more likely to work on them right um yeah and the thing is is that this doesn't have to just apply to government officials this can apply to you at work um you uh if you have a a person at work that you are kind of like at the same level as them and your your work rivals right so you can start feeding them donuts or sugary things to get their work to be like the quality of their work to not be as good and so what you do is you like you eat with them you go to the cafeteria and then you say hey maybe we should get dessert and then what you do is you get a small dessert and then try to convince them to get like the huge dessert and that way they're a little slower at the end of the day and then the quality of their work is slower and uh once they start doing worse your your average work will look better and you'll get promoted and there are also foods that they look at like better than donuts health-wise but they're not what you got to do is you've got to find those uh those foods and what you do is you have the the office person that the office manager that runs the office and snacks or that supplies the break room is you gotta get her to um have one of those sugary healthy snacks in the break room and then you bring your rival one every day should be like hey you look a little tired thought you could use this and they think you're giving them something healthy but you're not you're giving them sugar and then you might get a promotion you might become the manager and the thing that you can do is you start having donuts in the office every day and the reason why you want to do this is so that no one has better work than you and they can't take your job all right